


Engage With Zorp

by leslieknopedanascully



Category: Parks and Recreation, The X-Files
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-22 01:31:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7413190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leslieknopedanascully/pseuds/leslieknopedanascully
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>FBI agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully investigate a series of mysterious disappearances in the small town of Pawnee, Indiana. The prime suspect? A 28-foot lizard god worshipped by an eccentric doomsday cult.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Engage With Zorp

PAWNEE, IN

9:03 AM

“Seems a bit insensitive, don’t you think? Considering,” Fox Mulder said, referring to the road sign that read NOW ENTERING PAWNEE, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Dana Scully leaned her head against the car window. The two-lane highway cut through the seemingly endless cornfields, rudely interrupting the ocean of green fields that spread far into the horizon and slipped down the curve of the Earth. Above, the sky was a brilliant, infinite blue, interrupted only by the occasional “Paunch Burger” billboard. Scully always found herself entranced by the simple beauty of Midwestern landscapes. She marveled at the complex simplicity of nature, at how basic chemical reactions at the molecular level could create such vibrant and commanding colors.

But as the car entered the small town of Pawnee, Indiana, the green fields gave way to gas stations and storefronts and ranch houses. The blue skies and green fields slipped into the background, an almost invisible backdrop to the mess of asphalt and bricks that is human civilization. Scully sighed and looked over at her partner. Mulder had one hand on the car’s steering wheel, the other resting on his knee, his fingers tapping lazily along with the radio. A sunflower seed was wedged between his teeth and a stray lock of brown hair curled above his forehead.

“Why are we here Mulder?” Scully said, “you’ve barely told me anything.”

“Four missing persons and two murders in the past two weeks, all in the quiet little town of Pawnee, Indiana. Highly unusual for a town where the majority of crimes are committed by raccoons.”

“Raccoons?” Scully said, her right eyebrow arching. “Mulder, if we’re here because of some sort of demon raccoon or something—”

“ _Demon raccoons?_ ” Mulder chuckled. “That’s a bit insulting, Scully.”

“How are demonic raccoons any less likely than, I don’t know, that Loch Ness Monster you had us chasing after last month?”

“So you admit that Big Blue attacked those people?”

  
Scully sighed. “Why are we here, Mulder?”

  
Mulder reached into the bag of sunflower seeds, which rested in the car’s cup holder. The plastic bag rustled, and a few seeds spilled out, slipping onto the floor of the rental car.

“Two murders and possibly four more. The Pawnee Police Department is in over their heads, so they put in a request to the FBI.”

“So you’re saying there’s no X-File here?”

Mulder flashed Scully a grin. “It means they need a little help solving this case, and we’re the most qualified to do it.”

Having worked alongside Mulder for about two years now, Scully could tell from the glint in his eyes that he was leaving out an important detail, but she didn’t bother pressing the issue. Whatever supernatural theory he had she’d find out soon enough.

They were rapidly approaching the center of Pawnee, a town which seemed no more extraordinary than the plethora of small, Midwestern town that she and Mulder had stopped at for gas and a restroom breaks on their countless road trips over the past couple years. Yet how many other seemingly ordinary towns had been their destinations? If Scully had learned anything over the past two years, it was that the ‘ordinary’ is often nothing more than a mask. Whether it was a town filled with Satan-worshippers or cannibals, sometimes the most pedestrian people hid the most dangerous surprises.

Scully’s thoughts were interrupted when an exaggerated fake farting noise cut off the mellow, out-of-date pop music playing on the car radio.

“And we’re back with Crazy Ira and the Douche on 93.7!” The voice on the radio was punctuated by a staccato of shorter fart noises.

“The Douche here. Switching gears to a more serious topic, we have Reasonablist Herb Scaifer in the studio to comment on the tragic events that have taken place right here in Pawnee over the past couple weeks.”  
Scully turned up the volume on the radio.

“Mr. Scaifer,” said a second voice, presumably ‘Crazy Ira,’ “you said on Pawnee Today this morning that you believe the recent murders and disappearances are signs of the coming apocalypse.”

“Yes. It’s only a matter of time before Zorp the Surveyor returns and cleanses the Earth with his flames of judgment.”

Scully glanced at Mulder, searching for a change in his expression, anything that would betray some sort of surprise or interest in what was being discussed on the radio. Mulder’s expression remained mostly constant, though the corners of his lips twitched, and it was clear he was struggling to suppress a smile. Scully knew that look well. She sighed.

On the radio, Herb Scaifer continued. “What is happening right now is a rapture. Those who are worthy are being abducted by Zorp himself, and their souls are being extracted from their bodies and consumed by Zorp, where they will spend the afterlife in eternal bliss. The rest of us, however, will be burnt to a crisp when Zorp decimates the Earth with his hellfire…”

Scaifer continued to ramble on, but Scully turned off the radio.

“Mulder…”

“Yes, Scully?”

“You don’t think that those people were killed by—”

“A 28-foot tall lizard god? I’ll admit, it seems less likely than the Loch Ness Monster, but a bit more believable than demon raccoons, don’t you think?”


End file.
